Torn by this stage

Life moves in cycles, or at least that’s what they say. Feeling the weight of great demands imposed by myself. But what happens if I am not emotionally able to fulfill the expectations I have of myself? Is being so positive a down turn to the accomplishments of goals? Is it ok to over demand oneself? Is it ok to expect so much out of life?

All this great knowledge has moved to my consciousness, the application of these theories are imposed by my inner demands. I have used in the past certain growing techniques. Throwing the rope to my neck to eventually complete the tasks required not to die. Throwing myself in the sea so I will inevitably have to swim back to the shore. I acknowledge my capacity to work under stress, I have always done it so well this way, anything I have wanted I have gotten it, being handy with all the tools life has provided me with. And then I find myself in a fast river of maturity, growing so fast, and provoking all these changes in my life suddenly, that I discover that I do not want to work under stress anymore, that I do not want to rush, to stay awake all night before a test, to try to convince the admissions department to accept a late application. From the bottom of my heart, I do not want that anymore.

I want to be able to sit quietly in a chair by the sea, to take walks in gardens and read my favorite passage of a book by the river, and reread it by a tree and reread in a coffee shop and think about it in the shower, as I am having breakfast, as I am kissing some stranger, as I am walking in a cold weather. I demand depth in my life, a profound feeling that cannot be gained in a superficial conversation, in a fast meditation, in a glimpsed of consciousness, in a blink of an eye. I want answers that are kept hidden; I want to discover the profound riddles of my soul, the secrets behind the pyramids of experiences...

I have changed so much in 2 months, more than I would have ever changed in six months if I had stayed in the same place. EMOTIONS COME FROM MOTION, as Anthony Robin says. I want to be able to inspire as many people as he has. I want to be able to develop myself in a conscious full way, be able to create limitless art and gain all the knowledge I need to express what I want. I want to be able to erase naked pictures of the past, to provide a disciplined nutrition to my spirit, move smoothly through life, grasp consciousness with my steps, feel the power to refuse, to say no, to focus on the activity ahead, to devote time to what’s most important, to feel I am moving forward to be that person I want to be, to be closer to that person I want to be, to BE that person I want to be.